


Secrets

by TheWriter_TheReader



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, polyamorous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 23:32:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15695613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWriter_TheReader/pseuds/TheWriter_TheReader
Summary: Being in a polyamorous relationship hadn’t been a part of Jasper’s plan. Neither was dropping out of school because he had a breakdown and finding a job at a local gay nightclub. But that was his life now. He was a waiter at The Pit and trying to get his mental health back on track so that he could finish his bachelor's degree. And...he was in a polyamorous relationship.





	Secrets

Being in a polyamorous relationship hadn’t been a part of Jasper’s plan. Neither was dropping out of school because he had a breakdown and finding a job at a local gay nightclub. But that was his life now. He was a waiter at The Pit and trying to get his mental health back on track so that he could finish his bachelor's degree. And...he was in a polyamorous relationship.

Kind of. Maybe. Relationship may have been a bit of a stretch.

Jasper Jordan picked up the tray of drinks and made his way through the large crowd of people to the back of the club. Stopping by the booth to drop of a group of older business men’s drinks, Jasper quickly checked to make sure none of his bosses were looking before jogging over to the table in the far left corner of the club.

Bellamy and Murphy stood with a pitcher of beer between them, laughing and talking in between small kisses and light touches. They looked up at Jasper with warm smiles when they noticed him approaching.

Bellamy wrapped his arm around Jasper’s shoulders and brought him closer, placing a small kiss to cheek in greeting.

“How’s your night going?” Murphy asked before taking a drink of his beer.

Jasper cringed. Saturday nights were always the worse. Whether it be because of rowdy students or office workers trying to work off some steam, there was always someone who got a little too flirty or handsy for his liking. He shrugged his shoulders and blushed when he saw Murphy’s eyes trail down his body.

He had met the two of them a few weeks ago outside the club. One of the before mentioned handsy patrons was a little more aggressive in his advances than others, but luckily for Jasper, Bellamy was there to step in before it got too serious. He scared the guy away and offered to walk Jasper home, saying they would just need to stop off at a coffee shop on the next block, so he could pick up his boyfriend. Jasper agreed and met Murphy a few minutes after.

They all exchanged numbers and spent the week text-flirting with each other in their own private group chat. Murphy invited Jasper over one night while Bellamy was working late and honestly told him that he wanted to be with both of them, and that Bellamy felt the same. Jasper had been overwhelmed. He had never been put in a situation like this before.

After a few days to think it over, Jasper agreed to go on a date with the two of them. Bellamy drove them all out to a nearby hiking trail and they sat on a picnic blanket all night, talking and watching the stars as they listened to music through the car radio.

Jasper went home with them that night. The sex had been intense, but still strange. Jasper had never been in a threesome before.

He had woken up the next morning with strong arms wrapped around his waist and the sound of Murphy puttering around outside the bedroom. Bellamy kissed his neck when he finally woke up and Jasper was left in the bed thinking about how  _right_  it had felt. Maybe this was something he was missing for a while.

Since then, Jasper had gone out of his way to see the two of them. Whether it was quick coffee breaks or full weekends together, Jasper was always willing to make time for the two of them. Although it did help that most of his friends were usually too busy with school.

“How long until your shift is done?” Bellamy asked as he ran his knuckles over the side of his neck.

“About an hour,” Jasper said, “Then I’m free for the next two days.” He said with a wide smile.

Murphy leaned over the table and kissed him quickly, laughing lightly at the hot blush covering Jasper’s cheeks when he moved away. He took another sip of his drink and sent Bellamy a quick wink over the rim of the cup.

Bellamy shook his head, smiling fondly. He rubbed his hand up and down Jasper’s arm, kissing him top of the head before letting him leave and get back to work.

Jasper spent the rest of his shift in a happy daze, sneaking quick glances at the pair whenever he had the chance. With only two instances that left a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, Jasper was able to remove his apron and grab his backpack, rushing back to Murphy and Bellamy’s table so they could leave.

Sat in the passenger seat of Bellamy’s car, Jasper rested his head on the seat and closed his eyes, smiling when he felt Murphy begin to rub his shoulder from the backseat. He had been so busy with work and the other two that he hadn’t taken much time to rest lately. He knew it was stupid and he would need to fix it soon. His medication helped a lot, but so did selfcare.

Jasper couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so happy. Even if things weren’t the way they were supposed to be, he was employed, falling for two great guys, and he was saf -

“ _Fuck!”_ Bellamy yelled as he swerved the car out of the way of an oncoming vehicle.

Jasper felt his body jar forward, stopped only by the seatbelt digging into his neck and throwing him back against the seat. Two car alarms were blaring through the night, one being Bellamy’s and the other coming from car that almost hit them. His heart pounded against his chest, echoing throughout his ears as the adrenaline coursed through his body. Jasper couldn’t breathe.

“-per? Jasper? Jasper!” Murphy yelled, suddenly stood next to the open passenger side door. He was staring at Jasper worried, his usually cool blues eyes frowning as he took in Jasper’s pale face and tear rimmed eyes. Placing his hand on Jasper’s shoulder, Murphy asked, “Are you hurt?”

Jasper licked his suddenly dry lips and shook his head. He didn’t trust himself to speak right now.

Undoing his seatbelt, Jasper stepped out of the car slowly. He felt Murphy quickly wrap his arm around his waist as his body began to sway and he became lightheaded. Looking further up the road, he saw Bellamy standing in the middle of the street with the other driver. The two were yelling loudly at one another, but Jasper couldn’t quite make out what they were saying. He could hear sirens approaching from the distance.

“Maybe you should sit back down, babe.” Murphy suggested as he led Jasper to the boot of the car. The two of them leaned against it enough for it to support their weight, but still keeping their feet on the ground.

Jasper, still pale and shaking, rested his head on Murphy’s shoulders and wrapped his arms around his own body, trying to warm up.

“You’re freezing,” Murphy muttered as he pulled Jasper close to him, “Bellamy called 999. Someone’s on their way.”

Jasper nodded, but still said nothing. His body felt numb. His head was spinning. His heart was still beating in his ears. He hadn’t felt like this in a long time. Closing his eyes, Jasper breathed deeply. He paused in between each slow breath before allowing himself to release the air in his lungs. He didn’t want to panic. Not in front of Murphy and Bellamy.

The police came shortly after, followed by two ambulances. While the officers collected statements from Bellamy, Murphy, and the other driver, a paramedic named Jackson told Jasper that he had gone into shock. He wrapped a warm blanket around his shoulders and gave him a plastic cup filled with water. After explaining that he would start to feel better again when his body had calmed down, Jackson stayed with Jasper until the others were finished, talking to him in a soft and calm voice about nothing. It helped.

When Bellamy came over, his hands were shaking at his sides and his face was flushed with anger. He quickly pulled Jasper into his arms and held him tightly as the pair sway slightly. Murphy soon joined them, standing off to the side slightly and running his hands through Bellamy’s hair, whispering that they were all fine and he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Bellamy pulled away, looking between the two of them, and asked, “Are you both sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” Murphy answered easily but sent a nervous glance towards Jasper.

Jasper bit his lip and smiled awkwardly. “I’m good.” He lied.

Bellamy looked him over in disbelief but said nothing, simply pulling the two of them into his arms again and apologising repeatedly.

“I’m really proud of you, Jasper,” Monty said from where he sat on the opposite of the large bed in Jasper’s bedroom. One of his classes had been cancelled and when he found out about the car accident, Monty had quickly dropped everything to visit Jasper. They hadn’t seen each other in a week and Jasper was beginning to miss him a lot.

“You are?” Jasper frowned.

Monty nodded, “You were able to calm yourself down. That’s a big deal. Especially in a situation like this.” Ruffling Jasper’s hair, Monty smiled, “Good job, dude.”

Jasper laughed. He didn’t feel like it was really something to be proud of. It was the first time since the accident that he hadn’t felt like there was a lump stuck in his throat, and instead of spending the night having fun with Bellamy and Murphy, he had taken a taxi home and immediately gone to bed.

Taking a small sip of the boiled water in his cup, Jasper tried to focus on Monty. He was too good at noticing when Jasper wasn’t okay. The only reason Jasper had boiled the water was because Monty would notice if he was too anxious to drink his morning coffee. At least now he could fake it with the steam coming out the top of his cup.

“I still feel weird about the whole poly thing, I got to admit,” Monty said sadly, “But I’m happy that you’re happy.”

Jasper nodded. When he had first told Monty about Bellamy and Murphy, his friend had beome concerned about what their intentions were. Why would a committed couple suddenly want to bring in a third seemingly out of nowhere? Jasper knew he still didn’t trust Bellamy or Murphy, but he was trying and that was all that mattered.

“I am happy.” Jasper said, trying to ignore the dark feeling suddenly breaking through his thoughts.

Jasper cleaned the glass in his hand and placed it on the drying rack to his right. He placed his hands back into the lukewarm water picked up the next glass, repeating the same action he had been doing for the past half hour. He had taken the set up shift for that evening, usually happy to be away from drunken costumers, but he had been feeling down all morning. He wasn’t depressed. He was perfectly fine. He was not depressed.

Sighing under his breath, Jasper took a dry dishrag off the side and dried his hands. He turned to wipe down the bar and looked up for a second, seeing a familiar face walking down the stairs and waving at him in the distance.

Bellamy was dressed in an old pair of blue jeans and a plain t-shirt, his work bag slung over his back. He walked over to Jasper and sat on one of the stool in front of the bar.

“Hey,” Bellamy said, “I wanted to check on how you were doing.”

Jasper shrugged his shoulders and forced a smile. “I’m okay,” He said, “I went straight to bed last night, so I think I slept it all off.”

Bellamy nodded, “Good idea. Murphy had some trouble getting to sleep last night.” He said, “I...didn’t sleep.”

Jasper frowned, “It’s not your fault, Bellamy.” He said, placing his hand over Bellamy’s and leaning forward, “You know that right?”

Bellamy nodded, “Yeah, I know,” He sighed, “I just feel horrible. Murphy told me the same thing, but...I still feel like I could have done something to fix it.”

Jasper shook his head. “Babe,” He said softly, “You saved all of our lives. It was scary, but we’re all still here. Me, you, and Murphy. You’re just feeling like this because you didn’t get any sleep.” He ran his hand through Bellamy’s messy hair and smiled, “Go home and get some rest. And try to get Murphy to sleep, too.”

Bellamy nodded. He turned his head to the side and kissed the palm of Jasper’s hand before leaving.

Jasper watched as he walked away. He hated that he felt this way. None of this was Bellamy’s fault. None of it at all. If he hadn’t been so freaked out, then Bellamy would be fine by now. This was all his fault.

When he walked through the door to the coffee shop, Jasper had to fight the urge to giggle at the sight of Murphy dressed in a bright yellow apron. No matter how many times he saw the man in his work uniform, it still surprised him. Jasper waved his hand, trying to get Murphy’s attention, and whispered his name.

Murphy lifted his head and smiled, his eyes tired and red. He talked to the other barista, a brunette girl Jasper had seen sharing a shift with Murphy for a while now and stepped out from behind the counter. He untied his apron and took it off before leading Jasper to the corner booth.

“What a great surprise,” Murphy said as he sat down across from Jasper, “Is this a sexy kind of visit or did Bellamy come and see you?”

Jasper laughed. “Bellamy came to see me,” He said, “He was really worried. Said the two of you didn’t have a great night.”

Murphy nodded. “I managed to get to sleep around two, but Bell...he was so guilty.” Murphy shook his head and sighed sadly, “I just wish I could have cheered him up, but -” He paused. Murphy watched Jasper for a few seconds, his eyes flickering over his face as he thought for a moment, “Were you really okay last night, or did you lie?”

Jasper’s eyes widened. “What?” He asked.

“Last night, when I was getting you out of the car, you looked like you were having a panic -,”

“I wasn’t.” Jasper snapped. “I wasn’t having a panic attack. It was just shock. Like the paramedic said.”

“Yeah, but it would also make sense if you did have a panic attack,” He said quickly, “It’s okay. I don’t care if you did, neither would Bellamy. Hell, I was probably close to having one all night.”

Jasper rolled his eyes, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Murphy shook his head, “No, I do understand. Jasper, I -”

“You know what, I have to go.” Jasper said quickly. He stood up and moved to walk away, only stopping when Murphy called out to him.

“Jasper, please, you don’t have to be embarrassed.” Murphy insisted.

“What the hell do you know?” Jasper yelled, “You think you’re so smart, but you’re not. Your just another dropout who spends their time working in some lousy café. You pour coffee for bored students who wonder what the hell went so wrong in your life that you ended up here!”

Murphy stood quietly next to the booth, his hand reached out towards Jasper’s, and blinked back a sudden layer of tears pooling in his eyes. He looked around the quiet costumers, ignored the concerned and shocked looks of co-workers, and grabbed his apron off the back of the booth. Turning away without a goodbye, Murphy walked into the backroom slamming the door behind him.

Jasper left quietly, guilt washing over. What had he done?

Jasper knocked on the apartment door twice before lowering his hands to play with the bottom of his shirt again. He rocked back and forth of his heels as he heard footsteps approaching the door, two muffled voices speaking on the other side. Jasper took a deep breath and tried to prepare himself.

“What do you want?” Bellamy snapped as he opened the door, crossing his arms over his chest and clenching his jaw.

Murphy stood at the end of the hallway. His face and eyes were red. Jasper’s heart broke when he realised Murphy had been crying. He had made Murphy cry.

“I come to apologise,” Jasper said, “I am so sorry, Murphy.” He said as he looked over Bellamy’s shoulder to speak to Murphy.

Murphy shook his head and stepped into the living room before calling out, “Let him in, Bell.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes and stepped away from the door.

Jasper followed Bellamy into the living room and waited until he sat down next to Murphy to speak again. Fiddling with the zipper on his jacket, Jasper said, “What I’m about to say doesn’t change the fact that I was a complete arsehole to you. To both of you, really. And it isn’t an excuse either. But you should know that I didn’t keep this from you to hurt you,” He took in a slow, deep breath and continued, “I have depression and anxiety. I’m also a recovering alcoholic.”

Murphy and Bellamy shared a surprised look before either of them spoke.

“How long have you been in recovery?” Bellamy asked, leaning forward against his knees and waiting patiently for Jasper to reply.

“I haven’t had a drink in four months.” He said, “It’s also been a little over two months since my last depressive episode, and I almost had a panic attack last night, but I didn’t.”

“I’m proud of you.” Bellamy said sincerely.

Jasper looked away. He felt his chest tighten as he looked into Bellamy’s soft eyes and tried to stay calm. He didn’t want to become overly emotion.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Murphy asked.

Jasper sighed, sitting down on one of the chairs and trying not to pout. He hated talking about this. More than anything else.

“I was embarrassed.” He admitted, “I’m still trying to accept that my main issue in life is going to be my brain. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you and I am  _so_ sorry about what I said.” Jasper said, “I honestly didn’t mean it. If anything, I was talking about myself.”

“What do you mean?” Murphy asked.

“I thought I would get to go back to school right away, but I’m not ready. The thought of it alone makes me want to hide under my bed for a month and pretend I don’t exist.” 

Murphy sat quietly for a moment, wiping at his face with the back of his hand before he opened his arms for Jasper to hug him.

Getting up from the chair, Jasper sat down in Murphy’s lap like he had done before and wrapped his arms around Murphy’s neck. They held each other tightly while moving side to side for a short while. He felt someone run their fingers through his hair and opened his eyes to see Bellamy smiling at him. He smiled back and said, “Do you forgive me?”

Bellamy nodded.

Murphy grinned before leaning up and nipping at his jawline. “I forgive you.” He said, “You don’t need to be embarrassed though. Bellamy and I both have mental health stuff too.”

Jasper leaned back and frowned. “Really?”

Bellamy nodded, “Trauma induced PTSD.” He said like it was the simplest thing in the world.

“Bipolar.” Murphy said with a small shrug.

“We both take medication and we both use online counseling,” Bellamy continued, “Murphy was diagnosed when he was...seventeen?” He said, pausing as he threw Murphy a quick look.

Murphy nodded, “Yeah, sounds about right.”

“Seventeen. And I was diagnosed when I turned nineteen.” Bellamy said.

Jasper looked between the two of them quietly. He felt his eyes begin to burn and wiped at them quickly, trying not to cry. He wrapped his arms around the two of them, pulling them into his arms and laughing. “Thank you,” He said, “Thank you for telling me this. I...I’m so happy I met you both.”

“We’re really happy we met you, too.” Murphy whispered before kissing him on the cheek lightly, resting his forehead there as he closed his eyes and held Jasper tighter.

“And we’re going to help you,” Bellamy said, “Whatever you need, we’ve got your back.”


End file.
